By Heather F. Newton

In our modern, consumer-savvy world, relationships are sometimes built upon careful, strategic planning by those who want something out of the association, such as a business opportunity, access to a person’s knowledge or relationships, or the desire for support or validation. However, as Christians, we are called to love selflessly, especially those closest to us.

Whatever the basis of our relationships, as we move into the latter stages of life, our ability to love selflessly will be tested. Ill health and the aging process may require us to give in relationships that will never again be reciprocal. Our spouse may become gravely ill, requiring constant medical attention. Our parents will age, and the guidance and encouragement we got from them may slip away along with their ability to communicate their love to us. Even our friends, who have stood by our sides throughout life’s ups and downs, may experience an illness or tragedy that renders them no longer able to function with independence and purpose. We must then decide if we are willing to give to another person who has little or no likelihood of ever being able to give back to us in the ways to which we are accustomed.

According to the Rev. Dennis Wienk, chaplain of Episcopal Senior Life Communities in Rochester, N.Y., our choice to love someone in his or her most vulnerable state presents a unique opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s unwavering love for the sick, lost, and desperate.

“There is a profound spiritual growth that occurs in coming to the awareness that the life of the spirit of a person continues to go on despite the body’s failings,” said Fr. Wienk. “Relating to the individual as a whole person enables family members to learn lessons of perseverance through life’s stormy seas and honors the personhood of their loved one.”

Such an expression of deep, unconditional love to one who cannot reciprocate that love is what the Rev. E. Morgan Gardner, gerontological chaplain at Deerfield Episcopal Retirement Community in Asheville, N.C., describes as a “holy moment.”

“When a person succumbs to a state in which they can no longer comprehend who we are and even who they are, it raises the existential question of who we become when we no longer know who we are,” Fr. Gardner said. “It also raises the spiritual question of our status as spiritual beings when we can no longer remember the Lord’s Prayer or partake in the Eucharist. For families and loved ones who show Christ’s love to one who may no longer grasp its import, this is a difficult moment but a holy moment because as believers, we do not drift into nothingness, we drift into God.”

Fr. Gardner says he encourages spouses, family members, and friends to “put aside their traditional conceptions of language and to participate in the blessed act of sitting and holding the hand of the sick, stroking their hair, talking to them, and showing them pictures of the family or recent events. Illustrating the love of Christ is very present in these moments even though it is different from what we may be used to,” he said. Such loving gestures are deeply important, he said, because even very aged or ill individuals seem to retain striking hallmarks of spiritual receptivity. “Even people who are in advanced stages of dementia or illness are responsive to touch and to reminders of early moments of their spiritual formation,” according to Fr. Gardner. “Those foundational memories of one’s spiritual education seem to get tucked away in a pocket of the brain that is the last region to lose coherence. I have seen profound experiences of individuals with severe dementia holding hands with a loved one and reciting the Lord’s Prayer or Psalm 23.”

Such moments are vitally important because the spiritual needs of the sick and elderly are often profound, Fr Gardner said. “I have seen a real spiritual hunger and thirst in our residents,” Fr. Gardner said. “Yet many churches are not addressing this need. Churches have programs for the youth and for families but seldom is attention paid to the spiritual needs of anyone beyond a middle-aged mortgage holder.”

In light of this, many families who want to attend to the spiritual needs of their loved ones are seeking out care in assisted living facilities that couple as faith communities. “Families and residents want to know that they will have a place to celebrate the words and traditions that have meant so much to them throughout their lives,” Fr. Wienk noted.

However, because the decision to commit a loved one to a full-time residential community is often painful, many people delay making this important decision, he added.

“We as Americans still do not plan very well for elder care, and many families who come to our communities are there as a last resort,” Fr. Wienk said. “They are finally admitting to themselves that they are unable to take care of their loved one alone, yet they don’t want their loved one to be completely cut off from the traditions to which they have been accustomed.”

Though difficult, spouses and families who admit that the caregiving process is overwhelming are simply being honest and even healthy, said Mary Ann Buckley, director of Episcopal Senior Ministries in Washington, D.C.

“One danger that spouses and family members run into is caregiver burnout,” Ms. Buckley said. “They become so accustomed to caring for the needs of their loved one that they forsake their own needs for rest, rejuvenation, and rekindling their own spirit sometimes for years. They become like a hamster on a wheel, stuck in giving mode.”

Grace Pierce, whose husband of 60 years was recently admitted to full-time care at Episcopal Senior Life Communities, agrees with Ms. Buckley’s assessment. When her husband’s struggle with Alzheimer’s disease and the associated symptoms of dementia began to require full-time medical assistance, Mrs. Pierce said she had to juggle many difficult emotions—acknowledgement that she could no longer care for her husband as she has done for many years, grief that they would no longer be able to travel and lead the active lifestyle to which they were accustomed, and acceptance of the symptoms of his disease.

“I had to accept that my husband was not responsible for the changes he was experiencing due to his health,” she said. “We were married for many years and I had to give up that security. I had to realize that the things that he said and did were not done consciously; they were parts of his illness.”

Mrs. Pierce’ s sadness over her realization that the latter years of her life would not take shape the way she had anticipated is common among spouses of the ill or aging, explained Ms. Buckley.

“Many people say that retirement is not what they envisioned it to be,” she said. “They get lonely because their spouse is still alive but there is no more affection, intimacy, or companionship. In many of these cases, the care-giving spouse enters a long period of grieving the loss of their partner, even when their spouse remains alive.”

Fr. Gardner said he encourages supporting spouses and family members to reflect on the aging process and the whole experience of their lives so they are able to develop a sense of perspective and perhaps even peace.

“There are seven developmental stages in life, and each stage has a creative task that is a reflection of God’s work in the creation of the universe,” said Fr. Gardner. “The final stage of life is old age and in this stage we are called to reflection and contemplation. Just as God’s creative process was not complete until he contemplated his creation and called it good, our lives are not fully complete until we reflect upon our lives and come to an understanding of all of our experiences. In this way we are able to resolve some of the highs and the lows of life and make peace with our circumstances.”

Heather F. Newton, a freelance writer based in Arlington, Va., is a frequent contributor to The Living Church.

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